I've been watching romance movies tonight. They always make love seem so humbling. Throwing yourself out there when the chances of reciprocation are only as high as 50% and that's if they are 1)single 2)playing for your sex and 3)within your mental age range. So given that small amount to choose from, what is left in the 50% still has to be interesting to you, turn you on, be capable on their own, and a slew of other personal criteria we hold against people.
Love doesn't seem possible in this case. Besides the impossibilities, I often wonder what the point is. Most relationships end in divorce/breaks, and for good reasons. I cannot seriously say to myself, I will find someone that takes my breath away now and forever. It doesn't make sense. There will always be someone better than who I have. The grass is always greener concept. After a while, people just start to change. Time changes things. If it didn't, then life would be boring. But do we choose boring, or heartbreak? While change may lead to heartbreak, I think it is a noble thing to realize when one doesn't love the other anymore. And once there is a discrepancy on one side the whole thing is off. Which makes that small 50% of the minute collection seem that much harder to embrace when after all that searching and hunting and throwing yourself out there, just ends in heartbreak and loneliness and self-loathing.
So I had started to say that romance movies were humbling, mainly because I don't believe in love right now. I don't believe I'll ever love like romance movies make love seem. In my mind, love is burdensome and overwhelming. People worry more when they're in love and they become jealous and sad often. No one is ever happy once expectations and responsibilities are added to the equation. Expectations are made to be broken, responsibilities are made to be forgotten and feelings are made to be hurt. It all sounds like a big let down to begin with.
So I am humbled by the fact that I ever felt those feelings towards someone, and by the fact that others feel those feelings for someone. I am humbled when I think of the fun I am having with a friend right now, and how society makes me instantly expect to be romantically involved or feel responsible towards making them happy. I am content with the way things are now. I am happy keeping most of the relationship held off and just screwing and sharing stories. I am happy to have dinner with a friend a couple nights a week and I am happy that someone finds me attractive.
Of course I still worry, because I am conditioned to, over whether he is sharing this experience with another woman. And of course I often feel likewise I should be thinking about him and planning a wedding or future trip or what have you. Society screws with my brain and as a woman, I can not peacefully enjoy hanging out with a guy friend and screwing every now and then. I wonder why my thoughts and feelings always move so quickly to what the corporate world and marketing have taught me. White dresses and jewelry. Flowers and chocolates. If I'm not getting these things, then something is not correct. If I am not hanging out with this guy for the ultimate goal of marriage and kids, then I am wasting my time. If I am sleeping with him, then I have to be in a relationship with him. If we break up/stop being intimate, then it would mess with our friendship. Why? Why do these things have to occur? Why can't it be different?
I will not allow my ideas of what this is become someone else's ideas.
If I believe that I can be an adult and enjoy this time without worrying about results and consequences. Then I can.
Yes I can.
I want to feel good about myself, so I will continue to let someone dote on me because I enjoy the attention and the company.
Yes I do.
I allow myself the freedom to expand my emotional age and experience a close relationship that will not end in marriage.
And I will be OK when that relationship ends.
I want to enjoy the here and now without worrying about the past and future. No thinking about exes or weddings or "where is this going?"
I will enjoy now.
I see my life as full and open. I can enjoy time spent with anyone I choose. I can even choose to not spend time with anyone if it pleases me.
I get to choose.
What I do with my private life is up to me and I am the only one who can make it a happy experience.
I lead the day.
I am the puppet master and I am the audience. I enjoy the show because I know the hard work put into the characters, costumes, dialogue.
I am happy and I have ME to thank.
So thank you me.
You have done yourself well.
